


I need you so much closer

by bestaceinspace



Category: DRAMAtical Murder - All Media Types
Genre: Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-24 15:32:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4925116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bestaceinspace/pseuds/bestaceinspace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A look into Koujaku and Aoba's different nightmares and what they most fear in their lives: losing each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I need you so much closer

**Author's Note:**

> My first attempt on the DRAMAtical murder fandom and Koujaku/Aoba (my favorite ship!) Wish me luck.

Koujaku was really good at hiding it from Aoba but sometimes the dreams did get the best of him. He tried to deny it from himself too because he couldn’t admit that, even after so long, the past still haunted him. He also feared for everyone’s safety, especially Aoba’s. Koujaku wondered what could happen to Aoba if he ever strained away from the path he tried so hard to follow. He was sure he would never recover from that, from seeing Aoba hurt at his own hands. He knew that he would, without second thought, end his own life if any harm were to reach his childhood friend and now boyfriend.

The dreams came when he least expected, which made everything worse. Often he feared falling asleep; trying hard to keep his eyes opened while he ran his fingers through Aoba’s hair. Koujaku would focus on the up and down of the other’s chest, trying to calm his own heart, even knowing it was in vain. This time was different, though; he didn’t go to sleep fearing something bad would happen. It didn’t even take so much time for him and Aoba to crawl into bed and pass out from the rushed day they both had. His mind was completely blank from any anxious thoughts, but it didn’t take long for the nightmares to pollute his mind with disgrace.

.

_Koujaku found himself standing on a pool of blood; he could smell the decomposing flesh and hear screams inside his head. His hands couldn’t stop shaking while he held the blade against his palm until his own skin bled out, but the pain was not even close to the one inside his chest._

_He wanted to scream but couldn’t, he wished he could run away but his feet were stuck to the ground. It was only when he felt a hand on his shoulder that he was able to turn, too quickly, almost unconsciously, the blame moving along with him, hitting the person in front of him right on the stomach. Blood splashed once again on his hands and face; he felt the scars and tattoos on his body burn so much he thought he would faint, but it was the scene he saw afterwards that made him black out._

_Aoba was the one standing in front of him, eyes wide open in shock for what just happened and the only thing Koujaku could do was scream and scream until_ —

“Koujaku!” he heard Aoba call him. “Wake up”, Aoba said over and over again, shaking him until his eyes were no longer fixed on the roof of their bedroom. He realized right then that he did scream outside the dream and that that was what woke Aoba up. Koujaku felt his throat dry and the sweat and tears still running through his face. Aoba kept his hands firmly on either side of his shoulders, looking at him with so much worry and hurt in his eyes Koujaku thought Aoba too would cry and he couldn’t bear it.

“I’m sorry”, he managed to say after a while, sitting on the bed and passing his hands nervously through his soaked in wet hair. “I’m so sorry, Aoba”, Koujaku kept repeating, curling up away from Aoba’s touch. He didn’t deserve such caring hands; it was what crossed his mind. He felt exposed, like a nerve, ready to malfunction again, his tattoos burned and his scars felt like new wounds being opened.

“Koujaku”, Aoba simply called, moving closer. He held up his hand, leaning in to touch Koujaku on the shoulder again, he still flinched a little, but Aoba wouldn’t give up so easily.  

“It was only a nightmare, nothing happened”, he kept speaking in a low voice; slowly he managed to let his fingers run softly through Koujaku’s black inked skin. Aoba would never let the dark ink get too deep into Koujaku’s system, he would never again go through that horrible path that wasn’t his choice, and Aoba trusted that with all his heart, that’s why he kept insisting they could work out and that no one should ever face such terrors all alone.

“I don’t want to hurt you”, Koujaku let out painfully, looking down at his hands. They were still shaking, just like in his dream. He couldn’t stop seeing the blood there; he couldn’t stop smelling it in the air. “I would rather die, I don’t want it to happen, if I ever hurt you, I swear—“

“Hey”, Aoba immediately interrupted, moving his hand to rest it on Koujaku’s face. He pushed aside the hair that was always on the way of the man’s right eye. He gently rubbed his thumb up and down the lines of the tattoo there while Koujaku still kept his eyes closed shut.

“Nothing will happen”, Aoba assured him. “We won’t give in, remember?”

And then Koujaku finally opened his eyes. He still had unshed tears blurring his vision but it was the best sight he could ever have: Aoba standing there, smiling at him like he was the most caring, lovable creature in the universe. In the end, Koujaku couldn’t help but smile back, maybe that way he could begin to forget the bleeding Aoba he saw in his dream.

“Thank you”, Koujaku managed to say, reaching out to mimic Aoba’s action, resting his own hand on Aoba’s face. Sometimes it was almost unreal that he was finally back, to Aoba’s side, to a place he could finally call home.

“See”, Aoba sighed in relief. “You could never hurt me.”

He closed his eyes and smiled even wider feeling the warm palm against his cheek; he then looked at the tattoos next to Koujaku’s eye again, happy to see that the other didn’t flinch away anymore.

“These marks will never get in the way of who you truly are, you know that, and even with them you are still the best you could ever be, especially to me.”

That was when Koujaku finally realized the scars and tattoos didn’t ache anymore because that feeling had just been a reflection of what he experienced in the dream. All of the blood, all the rage and pain didn’t belong to him anymore, only Aoba resided in that place where once there was only darkness inside his heart. He indeed would never hurt Aoba just as his past would no longer affect him as much as before. Aoba was the light, he had always been, shinning on Koujaku, guiding the way, and that was the only road Koujaku would ever choose, the one where they could always walk together and safe. He would never be alone.

.

Aoba’s dreams weren’t that much different from the ones Koujaku had. Well, their image of hell was different but what they felt while emerged in it was the same. Loss: a feeling that kept bothering Aoba all day. He even began wondering if maybe Koujaku decided to abandon him again. He didn’t really know how to explain it but he simply feared something would eventually happen to make his boyfriend leave his side again. It was already getting late and Aoba was in Koujaku’s house, well, actually their house now, waiting for him.

It was almost 7 pm and he started to have horrible thoughts. It’s incredible how our minds wonder through the most terrible places when we are scared the ones we love might be hurt, and Aoba was no different. He kept imagining all the things that could have occurred to Koujaku for him to be so late. He was even starting to have guesses that maybe some of his fans were holding him back, making Koujaku stay longer at work than he usually would.

At the same time, Aoba knew that his boyfriend would never look at anyone the same way he looked at him. But then again, why was he so late? It didn’t make sense at all in Aoba’s mind and he couldn’t stop listening to the voices in his head telling him soon he would be alone, just like that, without anyone anymore, not even Koujaku. He would probably get tired of Aoba soon, anyway.

After a while, though, Aoba decided to take a shower and lay down on their bed to rest. He didn’t even bother drying his hair; he just put on some clothes and lay down in the invent bed, not worrying if he would soak the pillows or something. He was just too tired for that and too worried about more important things.

It was only thirty minutes later that he heard the front door open and close, steps getting closer to the bedroom, and then Koujaku appearing by the door, looking at him with sorry eyes.

“I’m so sorry to make you wait”, he greeted Aoba, “though day, too, uh?”

“Yeah”, Aoba answered, not even bothering to move so much. “I actually thought you had forgotten I was here.”

“What do you mean?” Koujaku made his way to the bed and sat beside Aoba who curled up in a ball. “I’m just a little late, that’s all, too much work and…”

“I was worried”, Aoba admitted, not letting Koujaku finish. He did feel a bit guilty for acting that way, throwing all his problems at Koujaku like that when he was visibly very tired but the bad sensation he felt the whole day just wouldn’t let him be.

“Bad feelings again?” Koujaku asked, already knowing the answer, resting a hand on Aoba’s hair. Aoba just nodded, closing his eyes at the touch. “Your hair is a mess”, Koujaku teased to lighten the mood.

“ _You_ are a mess”, Aoba sighed, rolling his eyes at him, but he did take Koujaku’s hand in his.

“Indeed I am”, Koujaku agreed, smiling, and Aoba pulled him against his body, making him lay down beside him. Soon there were needy kisses everywhere, and Koujaku trying to take the worried frown away from Aoba’s face but it was never that easy.

.

_The dream started like any other nightmare he had a lot throughout his whole life. But Aoba felt like this one would have something a little different, and with that he was already more scared than he would normally be._

_The bullies were chasing him, as per usual, getting to him and pulling at his hair, making him cry, shouting mean things. He was just a little boy again, wanting to hide away from everything, wishing someone would come to save him, to help him._

_It was then that Koujaku appeared, like he did sometimes before. He held the mean boy’s hand and took it away from Aoba. Koujaku stood in front of the blue haired boy, who was still sitting on the floor, and made sure everyone bothering him left. Then, as soon as they were alone, he reached out a hand for Aoba and, smiling, helped him to his feet._

_The other boys were long gone when Aoba looked again. Koujaku turned to him and said something right before he started walking, pulling him by the hand. Aoba immediately started laughing and running with his friend, it was a little hard to catch up but Koujaku still held his hand tight so they wouldn’t go separate ways. It was all fine until it started to get really dark and Aoba was too tired to keep running. Koujaku was getting more and more distant, he noticed, and then suddenly when he blinked again they were older, the age they were currently, and Aoba kept chasing after Koujaku but the other didn’t look back anymore, he just kept running away, hand no longer holding Aoba’s. He felt cold all of sudden. He felt left behind, forgotten._

_Aoba still tried to call out to Koujaku anyway but his voice didn’t come out. He ran and ran until he finally reached Koujaku and, holding him by his clothes, Aoba made the other stop. Aoba felt breathless and tired, he couldn’t understand why Koujaku kept running away from him. Then his friend turned to him again as if sensing his unsaid question and whispered something. Aoba kept holding into his clothes until his hands started hurting. Something was terribly wrong._

_Leaving? Was that what he heard Koujaku say? He was leaving again?_

_“There’s no reason for me to stay here anymore…”_

_He heard the words right before Koujaku simply vanished into thin air. Aoba still had his hands closed into tight fists but there was nothing more to hold onto. Koujaku was already gone—_

“Aoba”, he heard a voice call him, but he couldn’t open his eyes. In fact, he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to face reality and see that Koujaku wasn’t there with him anymore.

“It’s me, I’m here”, the voice insisted and Aoba felt someone shake him awake and it was then that he finally opened his eyes. It was Koujaku there in front of him, worry and fear in his eyes. Aoba saw that his hands were still holding onto Koujaku’s clothes like they were in the dream. He tried to move them but it was like they had frozen in place. Maybe he was still too afraid to let go and have Koujaku taken away from him again.

“You were dreaming”, Koujaku stated. He held Aoba by his arms, helping to ease the shakiness of the other’s body.

“I—“, Aoba tried speaking, feeling breathless. “I was chasing after you, I mean… We were running and then you started to get distant until I… I reached you again but then you said you were leaving and…”, but he had to stop because of the tears forming in his eyes.

Aoba started shaking even more so Koujaku pulled him into a tight hug, and Aoba hid his face on Koujaku’s chest, hand still holding onto his clothes.

“You were gone”, Aoba spoke again, shivering. “I couldn’t do anything.”

“I’m not leaving you again”, Koujaku was quick to assure him. “You know that, right? I promise.”

“Okay”, Aoba agreed, but Koujaku wanted more. He pushed Aoba away gently to look into his eyes.

“I wouldn’t walk away when my whole life is right here with you”, he said. Aoba blinked away some tears and looked back at the red eyes staring at him. “You are my life, Aoba.”

And then he was back to Koujaku’s warm hug, his hands running through Aoba’s short hair, massaging his skull. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt at all. In fact, it actually made him feel more comfortable, calmer after being so scared. It was a thing he noticed only Koujaku could make him feel and right then he knew it would never feel right to have anyone else touch him like that expect Koujaku. He took comfort in those hands which would always be there to hold him, never letting go.


End file.
